Member Stories

Its Not Your Fault08.03.10 - Healthy And Hopeful

Reaching for my tampon string one day, I ran into a growth that didn't feel like me.  Pulling out a compact and doing that awkward one leg up on the toilet seat I hadn't seen or done since sex ed in the 6th grade, I saw what every young girl dreads - two distinct growths that couldn't be passed off as anything normal.  In tears instantly, I went to my computer and started googling warts and herpes.  Looking at pictures of other peoples' genital growths wasn't particularly helpful and wasn't something I ever thought I'd be doing...

Fast forward a month or so later, my doctor had removed my growths with a scalpel for biopsy (don't worry, there was plenty of Novocaine involved) and my HPV was both confirmed and removed in one go.  Not that it was at all as simple as that.  Keeping stitches in that region clean involved elaborate cleansing three times a day not to mention a fair amount of discomfort!  But more than that, dealing with the emotional side of HPV was the hardest.  I felt very alone.  I certainly couldn't tell my coworkers that I was waddling back to the office with stitches practically in my vagina just after my doctor's appointment.  My roommate discouraged me from telling my other friends about it because she witnessed a girl in college being treated like a leper for having Herpes.  Plus I was the only person I knew who had had it.  Even my OBGYN had a practice that mainly consisted of delivering babies to happy wealthy women in their 30s and 40s; talk about an awkward place to be crying over bad news!

There was also the guilt and frustration.  I had had Guardasil, but likely too late and it can never 100% protect you even from the strains it's designed for.  Plus, after a year of not having sex, I had made the decision to pursue a friend of a friend who had expressed interest before.  I was horny damnit!  So it more or less felt like my fault, because I made a conscious decision to have sex.

However, what I know now and even had an inkling of at the time was that it really wasn't my fault.  I used condoms, which is about the only thing you can do to try to protect yourself.  I wasn't sleeping around.  And my partner didn't have any visible warts, nor had he ever had them.  (I told him he should go into his doctor, who promptly told him that without anything visible to treat, there wasn't much they could do.)  And the bottom line was; there really isn't anything you can do to protect yourself.  This is a virus that's transmitted by skin contact (that means any infected skin).  It really isn't preventable with condoms; and up to 80% of women will contract some strain of HPV in their lifetime.  Your only option to protect yourself is to never have any groin contact with anyone else - which could include a steamy undies-on make-out session.  While I definitely would never advocate sleeping around, the truth is that if you want to have any kind of life at all, you're going to be intimate with someone at some point - and every single one of those encounters presents a risk.  There's just no way around it.

Now two years later, I'm re-living the same experiences over again as my older sister was just diagnosed with HPV genital warts.  Our roles have completely reversed, as I'm telling her that she doesn't deserve to feel the shame she has with the condition.  That it's really not her fault, that someday after this has been treated, she can go back to being her regular self and find someone to marry.  All these same things she once told me, which just makes you realize even more how hard it is not to feel these feelings even when you know logically you shouldn't. 

So for anyone out there who is freshly dealing with this news (or even not so freshly), please know that it is not your fault.  You are not alone.  You are not gross.  You do not deserve a scarlet letter.  I'm sure you're a smart, successful woman.  You just got plain unlucky like the rest of us.  When the time comes and you can put this behind you, you will be wiser for the wear.

And for those of you who are despairing over being sidelined from dating in the years you're hoping to find a life partner, know that there is hope.  Being honest with potential partners about your situation helps you weed out who's worthwhile and serious and who's not.  I met someone special about six months after my last treatment who was willing to wait until I was healthy and he was comfortable assuming the residual risk.  Now a year and a half after our relationship began, we are both HPV-free and planning on getting engaged soon.

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